The Other

February 22, 2024

Do you recall a time when you were othered? It could have been in your school years, on the job, or in your neighborhood, but you knew you were excluded, shunned, or ignored. When othered, we feel defective, different, or inferior. Many of us can recall the painful times when we were othered, and the pain comes right back as if it were happening now.

A dear friend of mine explained the feeling of being socially othered. Her description was: "I feel faded." She described feeling absent, faded, or invisible when somebody did not acknowledge her in a group conversation. "It is as if I am not equal to the others in the group and therefore am unimportant, so I fade into the background."

In graduate school, I worked with a group of Mennonite young people from Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, who were doing their two years of required service. They were stationed in Atlanta and worked as emergency medical technicians. In many talks with these wonderful people, they explained the most outstanding differences between their Mennonites and the Amish group.

Besides never using motorized vehicles and electricity, most Amish practice shunning members of their churches and communities, whereas most Mennonites do not adhere to these practices. In the Amish community, if someone breaks the rules and does not confess, the community shuns them. The shunned cannot partake in group activities or give and receive gifts from community members. Shunning is a powerful way to control others' behavior.

We may think that the Amish are harsh by shunning members of their community. But we shun people, too, however subtle it may be. Sometimes, we shun or "other" family or friends by cutting off all communication. Our purpose is to punish another by discontinuing giving ourselves, so they will think twice before they ever do it again. Sometimes, we shun other people by withdrawing some or all of our intimacy, hoping they will get the message.

I know a dear person who is shunning one of their parents. Their stated reason for doing this is not to punish the parent but to protect themselves. Both parties experience tremendous pain. But in the Amish community, shunning is accompanied by continuing to talk with the shunned person. The entire relationship is never broken.

It would be an excellent exercise if we could look at who we shun or "other" and let them know that they are still valued.

Inquiry: Have you ever subtly "othered' someone? Have you ever been subtly "othered" by someone?

Dear God,

In your grace, I pray always to feel connected. Amen

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